It’s Okay To Bedshare: here’s how to do it safely!
There is no one size approach to infant and toddler sleep and for this reason, bedsharing will appeal to some families and not others. To be clear, when I say bedshare, I’m referring to an infant or toddler sleeping directly in the same bed as an adult caregiver. Co-sleeping is a form of bedsharing, but also encompasses babies/toddlers sleeping in the same room as a caregiver (or within sensory proximity) either in a crib, bassinet, side car crib, floor bed, etc.
Bedsharing is a sleeping arrangement that has been (and still is) practiced worldwide by at least 70% of all documented cultures. It is very much a cultural norm and when done safely, can provide many benefits to both the infant and the caregiver.
Sleeping within close proximity (any co-sleeping arrangement) to a committed caregiver reduces the chance of an infant dying from SIDS or from an accident by one half. It also directly supports the breastfeeding relationship (which, of course has many many benefits in and of itself.)
For many parents keeping a baby in bed and quite close to them feels like second nature. It’s instinctual on many levels to want your baby close at all times. It’s also instinctual for the baby to crave close contact with a caregiver 24/7. We’ve put an unrealistic ban on a practice that can be so mutually beneficial and forces many families to go against some of their strongest parenting instincts.
However, let me be clear, if not practiced safely, bedsharing can increase an infant’s risk of Sleep Associated Suffocation and Strangulation (SASS.) Many families do not want to bedshare for a variety of reasons and that is absolutely okay too! Like I said before, there isn’t a one size fits all approach to infant sleep so sleeping arrangements will vary from family to family! But all families (whether they intend to bedshare or not) should know how to safely do so in the event they change their minds (or, ya know, have a baby who will only sleep when touching a caregiver ;)
Bedsharing, even if you want to do it, can feel intimidating or scary, especially when so many “trusted” figures basically tell you you’ll kill your baby if you sleep with them. It might feel like the safest and easiest thing to do to prevent SASS would be to always have an infant in a crib, no matter what. But I assure you, if you have the desire to bedshare with your infant or toddler there are a few simple precautions you can take to greatly reduce the risk of SASS.
Let’s talk about increased risk factors for bedsharing (and perhaps who should consider avoiding the practice altogether.)
An improper sleeping environment (sleeping on a couch, recliner, chair, waterbed, etc.)
sleeping with fluffy or loose blankets around the baby.
placing a baby to sleep on a pillow.
having multiple children in bed.
keeping stuffed animals in the bed.
pushing the bed against the wall where a baby could slip into a gap and suffocate.
any caregiver sleeping in the bed who smokes (at any time of the day) or is intoxicated.
a soft mattress.
an obese caregiver.
Similar to crib sleep, it isn’t recommended to have loose blankets, pillows, etc around an infant because it poses a strong suffocation and/or strangulation risk. Parents who smoke or are under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol and are bedsharing also pose a much greater risk to the infant’s health and safety than if they were sober, non smokers.
So what does a safer and healthier bedsharing set up look like?
First off, it’s important to make sure your partner or anyone who may be sleeping in the same bed is on board with the baby sleeping there as well and will share responsibility for the baby’s safety overnight.
a clean, firm surface with plenty of space for everyone. Ideally the mattress would be in the middle of the room with no bedframe.
this youtube video has a test you can do to ensure your mattress is firm enough for safer bedsharing.
tie up long hair so the baby can’t get tangled in it.
thoroughly check for any gaps or bars where the baby could get stuck. (near walls, furniture, etc)
remove all stuffed animals, heavy blankets, extra pillows or anything that might increase the risk of suffocation. Light sheets and breathable blankets are acceptable.
keep pets out of the bed (or out of the bedroom if they climb into your bed)
ensure a smoke free environment. If anyone sharing the bed smokes tobacco (no matter when or where they did so) the baby should sleep on a separate surface.
place your baby on their back to sleep. Position the baby’s head by the breastfeeding parent’s chest and not up by the pillows.
Place your baby between the breastfeeding parent and the edge of the bed, so the baby is not between two people. If the second adult is fully and enthusiastically invested in the abby being there and is confident they can respond to the infant’s needs, this may be more flexible.
access your ability to respond to your baby throughout the night.
ideally, bedsharing would be done between a breastfeeding parent and an infant (of course) the breastfeeding parent would lay in what’s known as the “cuddle curl” position which greatly reduces the risk of the parent accidentally rolling onto the baby (which I completely understand is a big fear!!)
this image shows the ideal bedsharing arrangement - breastfeeding parent and baby are in the cuddle curl position (baby on back, breastfeeding parent on their side with baby in the C shape their body makes) bed in the middle of the room, on the floor, away from anything baby could get stuck or tangled in, no extra pillows/blankets/stuffed animals/etc)
If you can’t eliminate the increased risk factors and can’t provide a safer bedsharing set up, I would not recommend going through with the practice. Infant sleep safety is not something I take lightly and wouldn’t just go recommending bedsharing willy nilly. However, if you’re able to eliminate the increased risk factors listed above and arrange a safer set up, please rest assured that bedsharing (again, when done in a safer set up) is no more dangerous than crib sleep.
OTHER FAQs:
if I bedshare, will they ever leave my bed?
absolutely!! Like all things, some babies/toddlers will take the transition to their own sleeping space easier than others but no matter if you bedshare for 2 months or 2 years, you can absolutely transition them into their own space when it feels right for your family.
will bedsharing affect my relationship with my partner?
this one I can’t answer. hopefully, no, it won’t. hopefully you and your partner are on the same page around bedsharing and both understand that your child’s needs are just as important as your relationship with them. on the intimacy note, intimacy doesn’t only have to happen in the bedroom. get creative in other spaces of your home! or, understand that this is a season and perhaps you’re okay with a little less physical connection during this season. look for other ways to connect with your partner.
can we bedshare sometimes and crib sleep others?
yes! there are a million different ways to bedshare and it all depends on what works best for your family. you might choose to have baby start the night in their crib and bring them into your bed when they wake. you might do crib sleep for naps and bedshare for overnight sleep. there isn’t a one size fits all approach and you’ll find what works for your family.
will I (or my partner) roll onto my baby and kill them?
I cannot answer that definitively. It would be reckless of me to say absolutely not and to try to provide a guarantee that this could never happen. However, it is very unlikely if bedsharing is practiced in the way outlined above. The cuddle curl position between a breastfeeding parent and the infant makes it very unlikely they would be able to roll over onto the baby. I would not recommend, for example, either caregiver laying on their sides with their backs to the baby.
is there an age we should stop bedsharing?
nope! there might be a societal pressure to get them out of your bed by a certain age or a stigma around bedsharing families but there is no hard and fast rule around when baby/toddler should be out of your bed.
can you bedshare with a newborn?
yes! bedsharing can begin (and end) at any age that feels appropriate for your family.
will they become too dependent on me if we bedshare?
the idea that an infant or toddler can be too dependent on a caregiver is again, one of almost entirely exclusive to the western culture. the rush to push independence from a young age has been shown to backfire in many cases. Psychologists Meret Keller and Wendy Goldberg from the University of California, Irvine found that the capacity for self- sufficiency as well as the capacity for full engagement with others, and “problem solving skills” which are enhanced by routine co-sleeping from birth. Keller and Goldberg (2004) conducted the first systematic studies of “independence” which began with a definition of what they meant by the term “independence”, and they were the first to research team to actually provide a definition. They found that according to their mothers a toddler’s ability to be alone and to solve problems (while alone) was based on their routine sleeping arrangements from birth. Routine solitary sleepers (not bedsharing toddlers) were the toddlers less able to be alone and less able to solve problems presented to them, while alone, quite the opposite of what is so frequently assumed.
(See, Keller and Goldberg 2004. Cosleeping: Help or hindrance for young children’s independence? Infant and Child Development 13:369-368 DOI:101002/icd.365.)
does bedsharing increase the risk of SIDS?
Room sharing is a form of cosleeping and it is known that roomsharing decreases an infants chances dying by a third of one half compared with babies sleeping alone. Sleeping in (very) close contact to a caregiver is the reason we’re all alive today- had our ancestors not had their babies sleep within close sensory proximity there is no way the human species would have survived.
So while sleeping in close proximity to a responsive caregiver can be lifesaving in many instances, it’s important to educate families on the known factors which increase suffocation risks or some types of SIDS (for example, overheating or the covering an infant’s heads or sleeping on a couch with an infant or letting other children sleep next to a baby) but it is an altogether different and immoral strategy to claim in an unqualified way that mothers bodies, no matter what, cannot safely sleep next to their infants, or that these bodies are inherent lethal weapons, no matter what. Most co-sleeping cultures either have never heard of SIDS or have the lowest infant mortality or SIDS rates in the world. These co-sleeping cultures are characterized by mothers who breastfeed and do not smoke suggesting that it is not co-sleeping that is the problem at all, but how it is practiced.
Saying without qualification that "cosleeping causes SIDS" is the equivalent of saying that the mothers body and capacities are inherently deficient, the very body against which everything an infant can or cannot do biologically, or needs to do, is explained including infant survival itself. This strategy and comment presently being used by medical institutions not only gets the science wrong, ignores contrary evidence, and dismisses any critiques of that science that claims to show that all bedsharing is dangerous, but they attempt to pass on to the public social judgments for science.
No sleep environment is 100% safe for an infant. None. The bedsharing environment cannot be made 100% risk free JUST AS the crib environment cannot be made 100% risk free (as evidenced by the continuing epidemic of SIDS) so if the AAP is going to provide a global recommendation against bedsharing, than they should also put out a global recommendation against crib sleep because it also cannot be made 100% risk free and many babies die of SIDS in cribs as well.
Unless otherwise cited, all information comes from Safe Infant Sleep by James McKenna, Ph.D. or https://cosleeping.nd.edu/
