What it really means for an infant to “self soothe.”

We’ve all heard it before- “your baby should self soothe!” “let them cry a bit, it teaches them to self soothe” “sleep training is the only way to teach the important skill of self soothing” and so on and so forth.

Here’s the thing though, infants aren’t actually physically or mentally capable of self soothing as we think of the term (the idea that a baby can calm themselves down when crying/in distress/upset/etc.)

Self-soothing was a term created by Dr. Thomas Anders in the 1970’s to mean the opposite of signaling. Simply put, some babies signal (cry out) for a caregiver when they wake at night and other’s do not. (We all- adults included!- rouse multiple times a night and usually go back to sleep without even realizing it happened. Some babies operate this way and others cry for help more often during those night rousings.) The term self soothing was never meant promote the idea that a child could calm down from a state of extreme stress (and relax), eventually falling asleep peacefully.

SO WHY CAN’T A BABY SELF SOOTHE?

A baby has six arousal states - being asleep, drowsy, hypo-aroused, calmly focused and alert, hyper-aroused, then flooded. When a baby gets to the point of being hyper-aroused they are burning a lot of energy. The only way to help them out of this state is to help them down-regulate and this involves an adult caregiver contact and support. It is not something that can be done by leaving a baby/child alone to fend for themselves.

Simply put, they are not developmentally capable of regulating their own emotions yet. Which makes sense, think of how new they are (and think of the many adults who can’t regulate their own emotions yet- why would we expect an infant to??)

If a parent or caregiver does not help them down-regulate in their hyper-aroused state, they will go up the arousal scale, become flooded, and at this point, the baby burns so much energy that they may fall asleep - NOT BECAUSE THEY SOOTHED THEMSELVES, but because they are passing out from sheer exhaustion. (think of how emotionally and physically draining it is to have a loooong cry!)

"It is the brain's last mechanism for protecting itself from severe energy depletion." Dr. Stuart Shanker, 2016

WHY WOULD LEAVING A BABY ALONE AT NIGHT SEND THEM INTO A HYPER-AROUSED / FLOODED STATE?

According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld “Facing separation is one of the most wounding experiences of all.” “Once you know that attachment equals survival and that separation is the greatest threat. Once you recognize the signs and symptoms of the impact of separation - elevated alarm (and cortisol), elevated frustration, elevated pursuit, signs of defensive reattachment, defensive dominance and a flight from vulnerability.” This is what happens with separation.

As Deborah MacNamara points out, “Young children don’t do separation. Separation is alarming for them. When you leave their room, all they feel is your absence.”

According to Dr. Neufeld, separation is going to send them into a flooded state. They may stop crying, which may lower the stress levels/cortisol levels of the parent, but the baby’s levels are still high.

As Tracy Cassels, PhD mentions, “What all parents need to know is that ‘cry it out’ and all modified forms of it are based on early behaviorist beliefs that if you stop the crying, you stop the distress. But what we now know is that this is not at all close to the truth. Infants and children often have a behavior-physiological mismatch. For example, a child that is upset, but is being held and comforted by an attached caregiver, may not show physiological signs of distress. Whereas a child that is silent can be experiencing huge internal distress.”

Simply put, sleep training doesn't teach the baby to sleep better or to self-soothe, if anything, it teaches them to stop using their main form of communication when they need help. We are basically asking them to stop communicating because no one is coming, no one is going to respond to their need with a snuggle or a hug or milk or to hold & rock them. We are waiting for the brain to kick in and shut the baby down.

SO WHY DO SOME BABIES SELF SOOTHE MORE THAN OTHERS?

Now that we know that self soothing really just means the babies who signal less often for a care giver than the more obviously signaling babies, it’s normal to wonder why some do this and some don’t. Simply put, each individual baby’s temperament plays a huge roll in both their nighttime and daytime behaviors. Just like adults have different personalities and temperaments, our babies have them too! Some are more easy going while others might be more sensitive, spirited, or cautious. Naturally some babies just feel the need to call out for a caregiver more than others do. (this is not to say some babies will never cry, that’s not the case, all babies will (and should!!) cry.)