Sleep Training Isn’t Normal

Sleep

Feb 20

We’re meant to believe that it’s the thing to do. That it’s just a part of parenthood that’s inevitable. That in order for our babies to ever learn the ever so important “skill” of sleeping, we have to “teach” them how to do it by sleep training them. That if they don’t start sleeping longer stretches by 4-6 months, they’ll be harmed developmentally, so we have to sleep train them. That our babies and toddlers are manipulating us, holding us hostage even, and we need to nip that in the bud asap, so we must sleep train. That our infant waking through the night is the cause of our marriage problems, the cause of our mental health issues. That after a certain age or weight, babies / toddlers don’t need to eat overnight, so it’s okay to sleep train them. That we have to rush back to our jobs, get back to our pre-baby lives as soon as possible, and the way to do this is sleep training. That something is wrong with your baby if they wake every few hours, that your baby isn’t normal, and the only solution to this is to sleep train.

There’s a lot of variation on what “sleep training” is but for a short answer to me it means leaving a baby to cry it out alone. Whether they’re put in their crib and don’t left until the morning (extinction CIO) or the parent does timed checks every 5, 10, 20, 30 minutes, or they sit in the same room as the baby but don’t offer any touch or eye contact or any comfort all in efforts to “teach” a baby to “self soothe” and sleep without the comfort of an adult.

So here’s the thing, sleep training isn’t practiced world wide. The reality is it’s only a common practice in westernized cultures. Millions and millions of babies have gone on to sleep “through the night” with zero interventions, most notably no sleep training. In most other countries around the world, sleep isn’t constantly scrutinized the way it is here in the States. It’s expected that infants and toddlers will wake up through the night and likely need adult caregiver support to go back to sleep. It’s understood that sleep is a biological function, NOT a skill that can be learned.

On top of that, it’s only been a normal western practice since about the 1970s when it first became popularized. (see my post on the history of sleep training for more on this!)

So, this idea that there is only one right way to sleep, the idea that we have to sleep train in order to have healthy babies, that without sleep training our marriage and mental health will struggle, that your baby is manipulating you, that they don’t have both physical and emotional needs is complete garbage.

How can we accept this as a normal and healthy practice when so many other cultures don’t do it?

How can we accept this as a normal and healthy practice when we know that babies are incapable of calming themselves in a state of stress? That they heir underdeveloped brains do not have the ability to self soothe. In order to down regulate, babies require parental intervention and support. Because the baby does not know how to stop burning energy in a state of stress, they NEED an adult. It is nature’s way of keeping a baby alive. Parents need to regulate their baby’s energy and stress so that eventually, baby is able to learn from the parent and do it themselves.

How can we accept this as a normal and healthy practice when we know that infants attach through their senses and that parenting with nurturing, empathetic responsiveness is key to raising resilient, emotionally secure human beings?

Don’t get me wrong, babies and toddlers will cry and this post isn’t saying that the rest of the world is anti-cry. It’s when those tears go unsupported that an issue arrises.

So why is it normalized in the US?

Quite frankly, because we don’t value families. Because it’s harder for parents to return to work if they’re up all night with a baby. Because the mental health of an infant is the easiest to ignore. Because we don’t want to pay for extended parental leave. Because our worth is dictated by our productiveness. Because no one makes money if you don’t sleep train (or buy the millions of baby gadgets you’re meant to believe you NEED but that’s a post for another day ;)