Fostering independence (where appropriate!) in our 28 month old before our second baby is born.

When it comes to the topic of babies and toddlers being independent I have a LOT to say.

There are so many aspects of their lives that they CAN be independent in and a few that independence is just not realistic (or even appropriate for.) I’m never for forced independence. Simply put, it does not actually help the child to become truly independent or confident. Things like forced separation with sleep (the myth that in order for babies/toddlers to sleep well they NEED to sleep apart from a caregiver) and emotional independence (assuming our babies and toddlers are more emotionally developed than they are and that they’re capable of “self soothing” or emotional regulation) are just not realistic.

However, I do think when toddlers are given the opportunity to do a few tasks on their own it can really boost their confidence and autonomy.

And in the same breath if my two year old doesn’t want to do something she can normally do on her own (for ANY reason) I don’t push her or force that independence on her. I simply offer my help or give her my help if she asks for it.

Anyways, as we approach the birth of our second baby (Ruth will be almost exactly two and a half years old when they’re born) we are implementing a few more things to encourage (again, NOT enforce) independence as I’m sure I’ll have my hands full with Edgar’s very limited paternity leave and two small kids.

We’ve always allowed Ruth to be involved in certain tasks / encouraged her to try certain things on her own since she became more mobile but we’ve added a few things recently. So, here are some developmentally appropriate ways we’re encouraging (NEVER FORCING) independence:

• SETTING UP OUR HOME SO IT’S ACCESSIBLE FOR A TODDLER: we started this process very early on (when she was well under a year) and have continued to evolve it over time. Room by room, here’s some of the adjustments we’ve made to make it easier for her to do things on her own.

  • KITCHEN:

    • when she first started solids we emptied a bottom drawer in our kitchen and put all of her things in it- cups, plates, bowls, forks, spoons, bibs, etc. So that when the time came she’d be able to get these things for herself. And now, most of the time she does! It’s a very simple way to let her be involved in meal time prep.

    • we rearranged a few things (when she became mobile/could start opening drawers and cabinets) so that we had to put baby locks on as few cabinets as possible. we moved dangerous items up higher so they were out of her reach and put things like mixing bowls, pots/pans, towel/napkin drawer, etc in her reach. Things we were okay with her playing with when she was younger and now are things she can help get out for us (again, to involve her in food preparation) of course we have a couple baby locks on cabinets that are in reach that we don’t want her to go in (under the sink/cleaning supplies, the lazy susan to avoid pinched fingers) but mostly she has full access to the kitchen drawers/cabinets she can reach.

    • with that being said, we have designated one snack drawer just for her! we bought these storage containers that she can open/close on her own AND they’re air tight so snacks don’t go back or get stale. here’s what we typically keep in them: nuts and seeds (ONLY if your little one can safely chew nuts on their own- Ruth has had all her teeth since she was 20 months and can chew them very well and she never eats them unsupervised so we’re not worried about choking), dried fruits (no sugar added, and I usually limit how much I put in there otherwise she’ll eat her weight in dried fruit which isn’t the worst thing but…it is still high in natural sugars AND I want her to balance it out with healthy fats/protein), dried chickpeas, crackers (same with the dried fruits, I limit how many crackers she has full access to) and fresh fruit. we also keep washed veggies in the bottom drawer of the fridge so she can get to them on her own and hummus where she can reach it. she doesn’t always get her snacks on her own or I offer something different that requires my assistance but my idea is that when the baby gets here and if there’s a time she wants a snack and I’m not able to get her one at the moment she’ll be able to at least get herself something until I can help her.

    • toddler helper/kitchen stander! we have used this multiple times a day since we bought it when she was just under a year. she can help us cut produce (with toddler safe knives), eat at the counter, watch what we’re doing, etc. it’s also been really nice the further I get in pregnancy (and the less I should be carrying her) to have her be able to go on her stander so she can still be involved/near me but not ALWAYS on me.

  • LIVING ROOM/ENTRY WAY:

    • toddler table/chairs: our main floor is small and is fully open so her toddler table and chair set is sort of in the kitchen/dining area and sort of in the living room? she can eat snacks here if she chooses to or do projects here. on a nearby shelf we keep a container of crayons, a container of markers, play doh, and paper accessible for her so she can draw/create whenever she wants and doesn’t need us to get these things for her. (paints and other art supplies on the other hand I keep out of her reach since I don’t want her to be able to access them at any time.)

    • bins for her shoes/hats/mittens/etc where she can reach them. again, this way she can grab her own things and attempt/practice putting them on by herself.

    • coat hooks at her height so she can hang up her jackets/snowsuit and get them by herself.

  • BEDROOM:

    • an open style wardrobe at her height so she can get her own clothes. we’re okay with letting her choose her own outfits and only keep out what’s weather appropriate.

    • a bed that she can get on and off by herself.

    • bookshelves at her height.

  • BATHROOM:

    • low drawer with her wash clothes and towels.

    • another low drawer with non toxic cleaning spray and cleaning towels so she can help if there’s a mess or accident.

    • she has a little toddler toilet and a step stool by the sink so she can access the sink (still needs our help with hand washing) but we recently purchased a toilet seat that has a built in toddler seat for our regular bathroom toilet and another step stool that we keep at the toilet. we chose this specific toddler toilet seat so that she wouldn’t have to take one on and off/store it somewhere. right now she still uses her little toilet about 75% of the time and goes on the big toilet the rest of the time. she’s still a little small to walk up the step stool, turn around, pull her pants down, and sit down on the big toilet on her own but she’s practicing and will eventually get the hang of it! the bonus of her going on the big toilet instead of the little toddler plastic toilet is that I won’t have to clean it out each time she needs to go.

• LETTING HER TRY THINGS ON HER OWN / MODELING / TEACHING HER HOW TO DO CERTAIN THINGS ON HER OWN:

  • AGAIN I will say, even if we KNOW she can do something on her own (put on her pants for example) but she wants help, we still help her. It’s okay for her to want our help even if she’s fully capable of doing something by herself. I’d rather teach her that I’m always there to help and support her (no matter if I think she needs the help or not-that’s not up to me) than force independence at such a young age. With that being said, here are a few things we’ve worked on / are working on (this is NOT me trying to brag about what she can do/what we’ve taught her to do lol, I’m sure there are other toddlers her age who can do more than her /parents who teach more blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter, and I don’t care, this is more to show some of the steps we’ve taken to gently allow for independence and acknowledge some of the things toddlers can be capable of!)

    • since she became mobile we’ve encouraged her to put her dirty clothes in the dirty laundry bin

    • we’ve shown her (and let her practice often) how to sweep / use her hand broom/broom set to sweep things into a pile and into a dustpan

    • we’ve involved her in getting out towels to clean up if she spills (and now she does it pretty much second nature)

    • we’ve taught her how to hold her sleeves with her hands when she puts on a sweatshirt/fleece/etc.

    • we’ve taught her how to take off her own shirt (pants were where we started and she didn’t really need us to teach her but with her shirt Edgar taught her a few tricks that have really helped and now she gets pretty excited to show us how she can take her shirt off.)

    • she typically puts her own dishes away (both into the dishwasher and out of the dishwasher into her drawer.)

• basically, we let her practice things even if it would be quicker for us to just do it (of course if we’re in a hurry then I might just take over but I try to allow for enough time for her to practice / do it herself.)

  we involve her in as much as possible so that she understands all that goes into this family and how we all do our part to make our household function well (getting her involved with cooking/cleaning/laundry/etc. at a young age when she’s excited to be involved and curious instead of waiting until she’s older and expecting her to do chores when she’s never had to pitch in in the past.)

I don’t know for sure that any of this will help once the baby comes / make her slightly less dependent on me (it’s also VERY understandable if she becomes more dependent on me when the baby arrives!) but it’s worth a shot and are longterm important things for her to learn at some point.