Staying Connected To Your Partner After Having A Baby.
There’s no denying that having a new baby or growing your family can cause your relationship to change. It’s incredibly common. There is so much newness and so much unknown happening that it’s normal to have new challenges arise with your partner. And, if you don’t come across new challenges in your relationship after becoming parents that’s amazing! Experiencing new challenges in your relationship (or not) isn’t an indicator of how “good of a couple” you are or how much you love one another or how good of parents you are.
And I won’t lie and try to pretend Edgar and I have always nailed this. We haven’t. We’ve lost touch at times. Our relationship dynamics have changed (for better or worse) several times since becoming parents. But we’ve learned a few things along the way that have really helped us navigate life since we started growing our family. To stay connected while still focusing on what matters most in this season; raising our kids.
So, here are a few ways that might help you navigate your relationship after becoming parents.
be honest about your needs and clearly communicate them. While it sure would be nice, we can’t expect them to know what we need in any given moment. Some partners naturally pick up on our needs and others don’t and that’s okay. Clearly communicating your needs (whether it’s for alone time or for them to do a certain household chore everyday or xyz) can go a long way in preventing any feelings of resentment towards your partner. be patient with yourself AND your partner. this is new territory for both of you and while being patient doesn’t necessarily mean letting every single thing slide, offering some grace and understanding can significantly lighten the load on your relationship. It’s also important to remember that more often than not, our significant others genuinely want to be helpful. just because they don’t always know what to do or what would be most helpful for us, doesn’t mean they don’t want to do it.
have a weekly “team” meeting. Edgar and I do this every Saturday when Ruth is napping. We first exchange gratitudes for each other (ex: thanks for cooking dinner every night this week so that I could get a workout in), then say what we need from one another (ex: and then discuss any future plans/purchases/etc that need to happen. Then we do them (book appointments, schedule in time for projects, order things we need, etc.) This has gone a long ways in helping us stay on top of our to do list, makes sure nothing gets forgotten (or the conversation isn’t interrupted by a toddler), keeping us on the same page, and divvying out the work load a bit.
understand that your time together might look different now. maybe it’s easy for you to get a sitter and leave for a weekly/monthly date but maybe it isn’t. your baby might need you or to be held nearly 24/7 so things might just look different than they did before. understand this isn’t personal, you have a new member of the family who has very intense needs. so maybe the dates out or wild nights in the bedroom aren’t happening anymore. it’s very normal for connection to take other forms after having a new baby. maybe it’s eating a snack together on the couch after the baby goes to bed. Maybe its holding hands and reading books in bed because your baby needs you right next to them in order to sleep. Maybe it’s watching an episode of a show together during a contact nap. Maybe it’s acknowledging all your partner is doing for your family. Maybe it’s words of affirmation. Maybe it’s giving your partner a foot massage while they nurse the baby to sleep.
don’t pit baby against partner. it isn’t a competition. many sleep trainers use relationship stress that can sometimes come with bringing in a new family member as a tool to sell you on their programs. That the only way to satisfy a partner is to get baby out of your bedroom and sleeping through the night asap. That everyone’s mental health will improve and your relationship struggles will suddenly vanish when you and your partner are getting more sleep. It does’t have to be baby’s mental health vs. partner’s mental health (sleep training has the potential to cause mental health distress in infants and toddlers. I can’t say that it 100% does but in general sleep training does cause an infant to have a significant rise in stress levels.) Yes, sleep plays a roll in mental health but it certainly isn’t the largest contributing factor. Do you need more support? Are you stressed about finances? Do you and your partner need to get on the same page? Acknowledge that your alone time might be nonexistent for awhile or look very different, that this is a season of life? And remember, intimacy can take place in other places than the bedroom ;)
turn ordinary nights into something a little special! pick a night of the week and romanticize it! (EVEN if you have a baby who needs to be held all the time/needs you to go to bed with them at the same time/etc.) Maybe it’s cooking a fun dinner together with some music on and a special beverage. Maybe it’s watching the new episode of Survivor together and getting take out. Or maybe it’s getting out for a nice long walk (with baby!) after dinner one night each week.
“date” your partner: again, this doesn’t mean going on a zillion dates, but more so sweet gestures. cute notes on the table before you leave for work or in their bag before they leave for work, give a foot massage while you binge netflix after the kids are in bed, send those “I’m thinking of you” “i miss you” texts, express gratitude- often!, give kisses and hugs (if you aren’t feeling too touched out!!!), etc :)
inviting each other to self care time: sometimes when a SO has the kid(s) it can feel like we need to get things done. I know that’s often the case for us. If one of us is doing something with Ruth that doesn’t involve the other, we feel like we need to try to hurry and check a bunch of things off our to do list. And while that absolutely makes sense in a lot of cases, sometimes it’s nice when we suggest the other takes some self care time instead. Not as in you can only have self care time when your partner suggests it, because that’s not true at all and again, sometimes we need to communicate our need for self care. But sometimes it feels good to have your partner suggest you go take time to do something you enjoy vs. trying to be “productive.”
What’s helped you and your partner stay connected after bringing in a new member of the family? Share in the comments!!
