7 tips for Creating A Village
I’m writing this post when my daughter is 16 months, and I am still working on creating our village. I’m writing this now because I wish the Nalani with a newborn had read something like this. Because I wish at 16 months I wasn’t just learning how important it is to have a strong village around you.
A parenting village can look a lot of ways- it can be those who are physically nearby to drop off groceries or babysit or just come over and hang out or those who support you through a text message or video chats or have dinner delivered for you.
Before I had Ruth, and even up until these past few months, I didn’t really understand the importance of having a village in the more physical sense. I’ve watched many many other women close to me become mothers (many of them stay at home mothers) and do it with little to no help. So I assumed that was normal. That being a mother, especially since I am a stay at home mama, meant I could do it all with almost no help aside from my husband.
To date- I’ve had no help with Ruth besides Edgar on nights and weekends and my sisters who have watched her for the 2 or 3 dates we’ve been on (oh! and when Edgar was in the hospital for a week our sisters watched Ruth a few hours each day.)
There are three big factors that I think play into this.
we had a baby during a pandemic. Ruth was born in the fall of 2020. We honestly didn’t know what the right decision was so we kept our circle pretty small for a very long time (which- even if it wasn’t a pandemic I personally still would have kept a fairly small circle at least for the first month or so because babies have such weak immune systems and…those days are just so fleeting.)
we live in a fairly isolating area. I actually love where we live but, aside from our actual next door neighbors, none of my friends live here. (and our neighbors work full time so I have no stay at home mom friends in our town - lol the population of our town is like 600 and most of my friends and family live a half hour to three hours away.) There aren’t a lot of places you can go where we live to meet other parents. Also, not many of my friends/family members who do have kids are stay at home parents so during the workweek it’s not even much of an option to go see people.
Ruth was a newborn over the fall and winter and to me it felt very hard to take her places by myself in the cold, during the first winter of the pandemic. As perviously mentioned, it’s a bit of a drive to go see friends or family or do things that might help me meet new friends. She was a pretty colicky baby so solo car rides were a hard pass.
I should pause and clarify - your village DOES NOT need to live near by. Creating a village also isn’t JUST having other people around that you trust with your baby. Your village can be friends and family that support your from miles and miles away - a friend or group of friends to text / video chat, a sister who has dinner delivered when she of course would love to make and deliver dinner herself but can’t, a parent or aunt or uncle to call at any time of the day, a trusted healthcare provider to reach out to, etc etc etc.
All of this to say I’m working on creating our in person/take care of Ruth/give me a break support system. Of course I have family and friends I can ask for help at any moment but I strive for a true village for our family. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months reading and learning just how beneficial a close village is for both baby and parents. I’ve also learned a lot about how abnormal it is to do this parenting thing alone (1-2 people.) As it turns out, most other cultures around the whole don’t do it this way. Grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, neighbors, older kids, and friends are WAY more involved in the life of a newborn than they are here in the states. And while I don’t necessarily want to have my parents or Edgar’s parents to move in (lol) or be surrounded with people all day everyday, I do want a stronger sense of community and stability for our family.
Of course this partially means getting more breaks from Ruth / help with her but it also means just having people around / available to chat.
For me personally this means letting go of the idea that it’s a burden for other people to watch after Ruth. Don’t get me wrong!!! I love her more than words could ever describe but also know that she can be a lot of work!! And it means people are giving up their time. But I know that’s silly in hind sight. Most people are thrilled to spend time with little ones (and if they aren’t, it’s usually pretty easy to tell the type of people who have little desire to be around babies & toddlers.)
SO HERE ARE A FEW WAYS YOU CAN GROW YOUR VILLAGE (AND BE A PART OF SOMEONE ELSE’S VILLAGE)
1) open your doors. Invite trusted friends, family, and neighbors over to spend time with you and your babe. You don’t have to leave, your house doesn’t have to be clean, you don’t need to get ready or have food prepared, but this will get everyone feeling more comfortable and will ultimately give you a bit more help (even if they just play with your baby while you go pee alone.)
2) ask for help and accept help when it’s offered. Maybe if we all did this more- leaning on each other on a regular basis- it wouldn’t feel like a sign of defeat. It would feel like the village we were meant to raise our families in. Think of it as a pay it forward kind of thing.
3) find community online - this can be tricky to navigate considering there are a zillion parenting blogs and pages out there and not all of them will make you feel supported. I hope you’re able to find support and comfort here but if my page doesn’t resonate with you, that’s okay too! I’ve personally “met” lots of mama friends on social media that have been super helpful and fun to chat with through our parenting journey’s.
4) get out of the house (when you’re ready!) I want to first say I totally get it if it feels impossible to leave the house by yourself with your baby / toddler. The first few months of Ruth’s life she would SCREAM anytime Edgar and I would take her anywhere (even with me sitting in back with her/dangle feeding, etc.) So I didn’t take her anywhere by myself until she was 3 months old. Things got substantially easier but we’ve recently hit a road block in that if I’m in the car (as the driver or passenger) she screams no matter what. If she’s in the car alone with Edgar she’s fine. So, I get how hard it can be to leave the house depending on your baby’s temperament. But, if you’re able, go do something! (if you can walk that’s even better!) meet up with friends, go to the park, get coffee, basically anything you enjoy that you can either do with others or might allow you to meet new friends!
5) let people around you know you’re trying to create this kind of community.
6) return the favor. Be there for friends and family, listen to them, ask how they are, check on them. If your baby/toddler is older and you feel up to it, (especially if the friend/family has a younger baby than you) do them favors, grab their groceries, offer to babysit, cook them a meal (or order them takeout to be delivered if you don’t live close by or have the extra capacity to cook!) Think of how you wish you were supported and offer that kind of support to those around you. It will likely come full circle.
Here’s to all of us building the villages we need for our families! Good luck, mama. Also want to be mom friends? You know where to find me ;)
